Too Much To Love

There’s a lot to love about me… at least that’s what I’ve been told.  But for awhile now, there’s actually been too much of me to love.  I’m talking about my weight.  I complained or whined about my weight like any normal teenage girl, even though I didn’t have anything to complain about at a size 4/6.  But never really gave it serious thought until I got re-married.  Back then my weight went up and down 15lbs., but I still thought it was manageable.  Seven years later, I found myself at 198lbs.  Seriously.  This is a big deal since I’m barely 5ft. tall.  I was also told that I was borderline diabetic in 2006 and this made things even worse.

So a couple of years ago, I started on a journey to a new me.  I managed to lose 40lbs. during that first year.  I was going to the gym on a daily basis.  I watched what I ate.  I even counted calories.  I felt really good and was no longer borderline diabetic.

I made it a goal to be at my goal weight by my 40th birthday.  Yeah.  Well, I turned 40 in April.  So what is the problem?  Well, I’m not sure but I just can’t seem to get myself back into the gym again.  I started out wanting to lose 80lbs., which I later came to the realization that it was an unrealistic goal.  Then I changed it to to 70lbs.  I lost 40lbs.  Then gained 15lbs.  I haven’t been to the gym (on a regular basis) since October of last year.

All this weight gain, or rather the failure to continue with my weight loss, has made me less sociable and just unhappy overall.  I know what it’s doing to me.  I can feel it.  I also know I can get right back on track.  In fact, I could be at the gym right now.  Good grief, I dish out $50 every month for a 24hr. gym.  So why the hell can’t I get my ass out to the gym?!!!  I think about it all the time.  Weight is always on my mind.  I only had another 30lbs. to go, before I started gaining the weight back.  And really, it’s not just the weight that’s on my mind.  I actually miss being at the gym.  I miss working out.  I miss the sweat.  Most of all, I miss running.

I know.  I’m totally rambling, I have to get this off my chest.   Maybe by getting all this out there, I will finally get myself back on track.  I’ll go back to my regular blogging, but I’ll also add my weight loss posts too.  So…new goal.  My goal is to lose 50lbs. by the end of the year.  I just have to figure out a way to get my ass out of the house and not worry about who sees me at the gym or the lake, or think about the family sitting around the house not doing a damn thing while I’m busting my ass (yes, I’m bitter).  I know I can do it.  I just have to…do it.

Losing the weight really isn’t that hard for me, it’s the motivation to keep going that’s tough.  Living in a house full of introverts doesn’t help at all.  I’m all alone in this thing, but I really want this.  So help me keep track.  Ask me how it’s going every once in awhile.  Give me a swift kick in the ass when I slack off.  Better yet, if you find yourself in the same boat, join me.  And if you’ve been there, give me some tips.

*SIGH* of relief that this is all out there now.

image credit: Pink Sherbet Photography

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8 thoughts on “Too Much To Love

  1. What an incredibly honest post. And I’m sure your feelings are shared with lots of women, me included. I’m turning 40 next year and I’ve got a goal to be in the best shape I’ve been in the last 5 years (which means losing about 30-40 lbs and getting in some sort of physical shape. I sit ALL day). My motivation is that there’s nothing I can do about being “old” but I sure as hell don’t have to be “fat”. Is 40 old? Of course not! Is 30 lbs. overweight fat? Probably not, but it doesn’t feel very good either. It feels pretty awful in fact. I’m tired of thinking about my weight all the time.

    I’ll be watching your blog, and routing for both of us! We can do it.

  2. I hear ya! I’m not compelled to share my personal story for all the world to read, but believe me, I feel your pain and know exactly what you’re talking about.

    Best of luck to you in your efforts; I know how hard it is. One quote I like that you might enjoy, too, is “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels”. Now, go get ’em!

  3. I am right there with you girl! When I worked in law enforcement I was moving and not eating much, so I was happy with myself. Now that I am happily married, the weight has found me. I get on my treadmill, because I am not motivated to go to the gym at all. I hate to run, but walking is okay. I have no motivation, but I cannot try on clothes at this point and look in that mirror. Ugh! I have thirty pounds to lose. I am getting on my treadmill today no matter what. Just thirty minutes..that is all every day. Easy, right?

  4. Well, Annie, I HAVE been there. When I was 35 I lost down to 117 lbs and felt REALLY good about myself. I was a size 3! Then I met Wayne, who eats what he wants when he wants and expects me to do the same thing. I am now right back at 193 lbs and now that I’m almost 60 there are zero chances that I will ever lose it again. I have resigned myself to being fat. Oh, I will lose a pound here and a pound there but I will probably NEVER be 117 lbs again. It is harder to lose it once you reach 40 because your metabolism changes. But you CAN do it, if you are willing to make the effort required. It means going to the gym EVERY day for at least 2 hours and really working out. It means NOT eating that piece of cake that looks so luscious and would taste so good and DO eat those vegetables that might not taste nearly as good as that cookie or cake would. It means skipping the hamburgers and french fries that everyone else is eating and having a cup of yogurt instead. It means, in short, changing your whole life-style to center around what you eat, when you eat it and how much you eat. If you’re willing to do that, then go for it! I eat healthy. My body just doesn’t metabolize it like it once did. I am not willing to do what it would take to get rid of all my fat. Besides, I tell myself it’s in my genes. Actually, that’s true — it IS in our genes. So you are fighting genetics, too. I am not telling you this to discourage you — just to let you know what you are up against. I will encourage you as much as you need me to if you are willing to go the distance. You CAN do it. Just understand that you are probably alone in this and your family won’t really help you. You have to do it yourself. I think you have the willpower. It means cutting back on the sugar intake and the fat intake and eating low-carb, high-protein meals. It also means allowing yourself a treat now and then so you don’t burn out and slide back into old patterns. That was my problem. I let Wayne’s eating habits control mine. By the time I realized what happened I had gained back all my weight. So when you’re ready, get started — but make it soon because your biological clock is ticking and won’t stop for you to decide. I love you — skinny or fat — I don’t care, but since you do, I will encourage you as much as you need me to. Now get with it, Girl! Get out there and GO TO THE GYM and get started. And tell me once a week how you’re doing. Don’t weigh yourself every day, do it once a week. Otherwise you’ll get discouraged. And you will reach plateaus where you won’t lose anything for a couple of weeks at a time. That’s okay. Just don’t stop doing the right things when that happens. Keep on doing what you know works and it will continue to work. Stay in touch. You have my email address. If you don’t, it’s [omitted for privacy]. Email me and tell me how you’re doing. I promise to encourage you all the way!

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